Random Musings from Malaysia

Hello, Blog fans. I am typing again, and I'm mentally and emotionally stable. So, I'm ready to get back to the good stuff -- where I write random things and you guys laugh and Dena Newman Wood offers me a book contract. There are a lot of crazy things that have been happening lately, so this will be a collection of what I can remember over the last two weeks. Also, this is where I have to mention Julia Goff's name (my sister-in-law) so she will continue reading.

You know how it's funny (it's okay ... it is funny, you can laugh at what I'm about to say) how we joke and say "All (ETHNIC GROUP) people look alike to me?" I use it proactively, so it takes away the sting of my former Black colleagues and students randomly calling me Mr. Yow over the years. You know, all White people look alike. For a long time, I just thought that was a funny little saying. Well that was until this weekend ...

Random Funny Taxi Driver Guy

We went for a pretty good meal Friday night and got a cab home from the mega retail complex PUBLIKA. At first the cabbie was hesitant to take us back home. You see, every cabbie interaction in Kuala Lumpur consists of you: 1. Finding a cab; 2. Begging the cabbie to take you where you want to go; 3. Feeling guilty because you have asked this man to do his job. You get used to it after about three weeks. So, as I sat in a pile of my own guilt-ridden, back-seat goo, Random Funny Taxi Driver Guy says, "You Tom Selleck?"

That's right ... I look just like Magnum P.I. All White Guys do!

So, after saying that, he just dies laughing. He continues ... "You Tom Selleck, no? You know Tom Selleck?" Of course I know Tom Selleck! Slick cars, sweet looking women, burly, manly chest hair that can scrub tiles off the side of a Space Shuttle ... friends with a Black guy (who looks a lot like other Black guys I know) who flies Magnum's personal helicopter, and lest we forget Higgins!! Yeah, I've got Selleck square in my memory banks at that point.

"He Double-O-Seven, right?" At this point, I begin to actually try to rationalize with this Random Funny Taxi Driver Guy. "Do you mean Pierce Bronson?" I ask. "No, Tom Selleck! Double -O-Seven!" So, at this point, I'm thinking, "Hell, maybe they did make a Malaysian version of Bond with Selleck. He kind of dropped off the Earth after being Monica's daddy-issue boyfriend on Friends." But, I press on ... being that I'm bald and have a beard, I try again.

"Are you thinking of Sean Connery, maybe?" I inquire.

"Ahhhhhh ... Sean Connery. That's him! Yeah! You look like Sean Connery."

Now, I admit I do not look like Connery either, though I would kill to do so at any age of Connery awesomeness ... right down to him saying "The Rock" over and over again to Nick Cage or being parodied on SNL by Darrell Hammond.

On his way to pick up Alex Trebek's Mother for an evening interlude. Bhwaaaaa-haa-haaa-haa!

You have to wonder how did Random Funny Taxi Guy get these two men confused, and most importantly, how did he think I looked like either one of them? Well, I stumbled across the following when putting in a Google Image query for Tom Selleck:

Charlton Heston called. He wants his Moses bear back, Tom. 

I do not know why a Random Funny Taxi Guy in Malaysia would be doing web queries of Tom Selleck in his off time, but if he did and came across this, I could see where it would be a mesh of all my best qualities -- prominent brow, chiseled cheekbones, bald head, Moses beard. I mean, I guess at some level I should be flattered. Upside down Double-O-Selleck image is a heck of a lot better than the usual celebrity look alike I get ...

Herrrrrreeeee's JLowe!

Asian Food Court Samples Explained

We've all experienced it, regardless of where you are back in the States. You've just picked up some nice fashion slacks from JC Penney (I know, I'm flaunting my wealth), and you want to grab a bite of some yummy exotic dish from overseas at the local food court. As you meander down the culinary bazaar, you have a myriad of fried meat, perilously hanging from a toothpick shoved in your face. "Sample? Sample? Try a sample?" You get it at the Chinese place, the Japanese place, and even the Cajun place that is oddly being run by Chinese people. Well, I have come to realize that this is just an extension of a cultural delight known as Hawker Stalls here in Southeast Asia. 

Saturday Night at Jalan Alor

 

There are several thousand Hawker stalls throughout all of Kuala Lumpur, and I don't think that would be an exaggeration. The laws of supply and demand, first explained to me in a mobile trailer unit at North Surry by the awesome Richard Crawford, say that when a product is in high supply, the retailer must offer marketing strategies to convince consumers to purchase his goods or service instead of the competition. In downtown KL, this marketing scheme consists of men and women crawling up beside you with their menus open explaining why their stall is the best stall. Or, you can take the approach one gent took when I told him I was going to walk on down the street.

"Same-same ... all of it same-same. Just eat here!" Honesty is a virtue, but we had Thai on our minds, and Thai it was. It was delicious, and much to the delight of the hawker, we actually did stop and eat at his place. It's probably like the telemarketer who hears, "Why, yes. I would love to take 20 minutes to hear about your incredible offer." Also, "same-same" is essential Malaysian English. It means, "same" but it means so much more if you repeat it. Not to be outdone is the cousin of "same-same" which is, "can-can." Oh, you want to hear "can-can" in this town. It means that the person you are negotiating with will do what you want. You rarely hear this from a cabbie, but when you do, it helps to alleviate the guilt usually brought on by the typical sigh, grimace and pointing to the back seat.

Paying money to see fireflies ... the undercard

I know, I know, I know ... I was thinking the same-same when I first heard the idea of paying someone to take you on a river boat to see fireflies, also known as lightning bugs in areas of Bottom, Little Utah and Durham. Not only were we going to pay to see the little critters that light up the North Carolina nights every summer, but we had to pay a cabbie to take us there (and endure the guilt) -- a spot a little over an hour and a half outside of city limits. But, you know, you can't put a price tag on awesome cultural adventures, right? 

We actually have a personal cabbie who we use whenever we have to go long distances or have large groups. I would tell you his name, but that would involve a lot of typing of an Indian name I would have to look at for 20 minutes to ensure I spelled it correctly. For the sake of time, let's call him "Manmohanishek" ... or just Del for short. So, Del had told us all about this excursion and spelled out exactly how it would work. He would pick us up, take us to see monkeys (which is pretty much the cornerstone of all Malaysian trips, it seems), take us to a great seafood restaurant, and then the firefly cruise would cap the night. 

A quick pic recap before the random funny firefly story:

Monkey who likes bananas? Check.

Old British lighthouse to spot Malacca Strait Pirate ships? Check.

Jared and friends sitting on cannon to shoot at Malacca Strait Pirate ships? Check.

In case you were wondering, Malacca Strait Pirates no longer roam the seaside of this old town. They all signed lucrative contracts as extras in Jerry Bruckheimer/Disney projects. But, we did manage to make it down to the seafood restaurant on the riverside. It was huge -- there were probably 300 people or more there. And, like any good Asian seafood restaurant, you get to see what's for dinner that night as you walk in. 

Yum-yum! (Third cousin of Can-Can and Same-Same) Horseshoe crab eggs anyone?

Though the thought of horseshoe crab eggs did sound yummy (which means "disgusting" in this context), we decided to go with more traditional fare such as prawns (humongous shrimp with big ol' eyeballs looking right at you while you pinch them off), a delicious sea bass (with a side of "Vote for Pedro"), some grilled grouper ... did I mention all these critters come with their head still attached? Oh, anyway, for you visual learner types:

Homestyle and Head on ... Just like Granny used to make! 

Now, on to the story of the fireflies ... I had to entertain you with an opening act. 

Paying money to see Fireflies ... the Main Event

Jill planned this little excursion for us ... a group of about 10 of us went in total (I'm pausing so that my mom and sister can quit giggling at the phrase, "Jill planned this little excursion for us") and we finished up with the meal just before the last boat shipped out at 9:30. We were a little worried we would miss the boat, so to speak, but we got there just in time to find out shenanigans were at hand. As part of her meticulous planning skills, Jill had found out that the boat ride was RM15, or just a little short of $5 each. This seems to be a reasonable price, but when you consider we had to split a cab three ways for RM350 to get there, the whole trip gets a little pricey. 

"Holiday ... 40 Ringitt!" I heard these chilling words coming out of the mouth of the tour manager. Those words have a way of kind of getting to you when you are expecting her to say, "Oh, thank you for coming Gringos! Only 15 Ringitt!!"

So yeah, unlike those friendly Chinese folks who were hawking noodles and shark fin soup, this savvy business lady was well aware she was the only show in town. We began to haggle ... she would have no part of it. Our friend Ann who is Asian-American, spent some time in Hong Kong as a teacher and knows some level of Chinese began to bargain in her native language. Still she wouldn't budge. 

"This is ridiculous! We pay 3-5-0 just to get here! Website said 1-5 Ringitt!!" I fumed this broken form of the Queen's English while feeling my anger rise. As a recovering culture shock survivor, I have to watch these moments. You don't want to backslide. You might also note that pointless words such as "the" and silly things like verb tense simply don't exist in tense moments like this. And, you have to spell out multi-digit numbers to make sure everyone is on the same page -- money is the great linguistic equalizer.

"3-0 Ringitt or we walk! You lose 3-6-0 Ringitt!" Oh yeah, her story started to change right there. Yes, I realize that I was willing to pay double for what I was expecting, but I also realized I had just driven over an hour, paid RM1-5-0 for my part of the cab, had endured the guilt of having to ride in said cab, and I wasn't leaving with just a belly full of googley-eyed shrimp and a bad Napoleon Dynamite joke!! She caved. We were in for the low, low price of double what we expected. Yeah! Take that, highly successful business woman. Not only were we paying double, we were paying double to see fireflies! Bam!

As we walked triumphantly down the floating dock, Ann told me my timing was perfect. Apparently, as I was bullying up to this 8-5 pound Chinese woman, Ann was saying to her in Cantonese, "This is what happens when White people get angry. The angry White man is serious. They will leave. You do not want us to leave. You want our money." 

I mean, I'm no Tom Selleck, but I play a pretty convincing angry White man when put to the challenge while a friend is playing Chinese Jedi mind tricks. So, we are now there to finally see what it was we came to see. Apparently, Malaysian fireflies are big fans of the Mangrove bushes that line the river through Kuala Selangor. So, we take off through the jungle, past the seven levels of the candy cane forest and our flatboat captain turned off the motor. There we floated, full of seafood (hopefully not caught in that disgusting river) and paying double down on what we were about to see. It was ... amazing.

You're not allowed to take pictures, so I stole this illegal one from Google. Two wrongs make this oh-so-right.

As our eyes adjusted to the light, you suddenly could see thousands of the little boogers crowded through the bushes. It was an exterior illumination that would make Clark Griswold proud. Apparently, a lot of Gringos from the States come during the week of Christmas to get a feel of back home comfort (in 85 degree weather). Then, as we headed back, already thinking that it was worth the trip, we saw one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Showing only by the light of the moon, on the other banks of the river, were about 200 or so white storks lining the trees to sleep for the night. I don't have a picture for that, and I'm glad I don't. Whatever I could take (or, as in most instances, steal) would not do justice to just how beautiful and calming the scene was. 

It wasn't just the sight of the birds, it was the thought of the beautiful ecological balance He has created in our world. The trees serve their purpose, the bugs theirs and then the birds all resting together to help ensure they make it through the night. All where they need to be -- all serving a bigger purpose. On this night, that purpose was to calm the angry White Tom Selleck/Sean Connery look-alike and make him feel better for turning over his hard earned Malaysian cash to the nice Chinese business lady. 

Come to find out, Malaysian Fireflies and the North Carolina ones aren't "same-same." Love them both, but for different reasons now, you see.

Heading to Langkawi next week for vacation. May do my first remote blog! Until then, bye-bye (yes, that would be a fourth cousin to the others).